Date: 6/14/2010
Watching: Mariners vs. Cardinals
The St. Louis fans just gave a BIG cheer for Albert Pujols hitting an RBI single, even though they were already up 8-3 in the bottom of the 8th, it's not like the outcome was in doubt. But a.) they were appreciating a good at-bat (and did I only notice that because I'm constantly told how "good" and "knowledgeable" the St. Louis fan base is? But then, I have an eyewitness account from a co-worker that Rams fans are the nicest road fans he's ever encountered, so there may be something to it), and b.) he's their guy, their own personal superstar, and they want his numbers to be the best, so that everybody in the country knows: St. Louis has the best hitter in baseball. The closest Cincinnati's come to that in recent memory is Carson Palmer in 2005, and it's an intoxicating feeling. Everybody in the city feels it. I had just moved to Cincinnati from Dayton (only about 30 miles down the road), and the feeling was everywhere you went, the pride and excitement and happiness. Does that make sense? No. But the feeling is real, and wonderful. Of course, it helped that the reason I'd moved was to move in with my now-wife (I LOOOOVE you, puddin'!), so I was feeling pretty fantastic regardless. But the Palmer thing was a whole different kind of happiness.
During that Pujols at-bat, Aaron Boone (he really is an ESPN baseball analyst!) had just been talking about how batters may say they don't know what their average is, but they know, and guys like Pujols or Ichiro, when they start dipping around .300, they kick it up a notch. Which sort of ties into what I'd just been thinking about, that the ideal mentality of the sports fan is really very similar to the ideal mentality of the athlete: the same simultaneous forgetting and remembering the past, and the same simultaneous planning for and ignoring the future. Like, I shouldn't feel differently about the Reds based on whether they're .5 games in first or .5 games out of first, the difference between the two is miniscule. And I shouldn't feel differently about the Reds season than I would if they had the same record but they had been contenders in recent years. They're all independent events. And yet I do, and to some extend should, because the fact is they're NOT independent, both for the reasons that a.) players' performances generally don't jump around randomly; their path is chaotic, but continuous, and b.) nobody can really forget the past, and everybody knows that nobody can really forget the past. You know when your success is unexpected, you know that everybody else knows it, and that they're waiting for you to regress to the mean. And again, because sporting events are public ceremonies, the opinion of the masses is central, and will find some way to make itself felt. So players, and fans, need to have quantum memory, both present and absent at the same time.
In an unrelated note: ESPN is usually good at these things, but whoever designed their on-screen score graphic for baseball should be demoted to the horse racing division. Instead of just giving the count in the "3-2" format that has been working perfectly well for a hundred years, some genius changed it to "B:xxxS:xx:Oxx", where each of the x's is a little light that turns on as the count changes (green for balls, red for strikes, yellow for outs). Which is both less readable, and takes up MORE space, than the traditional format that again, has been working for a HUNDRED YEARS. I have NEVER heard anybody say, "If only there were an easier way to communicate the pitch count!" And thank you so much for condescending to me with your cutesy color scheme, jackass. "Oh, strikes are bad and balls are good? I never knew that!"
Some ESPN anchor just asked Pujols (I think it was Pujols, I heard it from the other room), whether he was optimistic that the Cardinals could "put some distance" between themselves and the Reds in the division. Excuse me?! The Reds are still in first place! I understand that you don't think they're going to stay there, and I even understand why, but at least acknowledge it! They'll have to catch us before they can put distance between us. Screw you, ESPN.
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Late-Inning Drama
Date: 6/7/2010
Watching: Reds vs. Giants
The Reds home crowd believes in this team more than they have since 1999, if not 1994. The crowd just went nuts for Logan Ondrusek, putting the Giants down in order, with the Reds one run back. They believe that the Reds can come back, and knew it was vital to be only down one. We'll see if they were right, but they would never have cheered like that any time in the last 10 years. Plus, they're following closely enough to know that Ondrusek's performance is one of the keys to the Reds success, strange as that might seem.
Nope. They were wrong, Reds lose. But to be fair, Torres stole a double from Hernandez in the first at-bat, that would have completely changed the inning.
Watching: Reds vs. Giants
The Reds home crowd believes in this team more than they have since 1999, if not 1994. The crowd just went nuts for Logan Ondrusek, putting the Giants down in order, with the Reds one run back. They believe that the Reds can come back, and knew it was vital to be only down one. We'll see if they were right, but they would never have cheered like that any time in the last 10 years. Plus, they're following closely enough to know that Ondrusek's performance is one of the keys to the Reds success, strange as that might seem.
Nope. They were wrong, Reds lose. But to be fair, Torres stole a double from Hernandez in the first at-bat, that would have completely changed the inning.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Cincinnati, USA
Date: 6/6/2010
Listening to: Reds vs. Nationals
The problem with being a baseball fan is that every season, there's a new local commercial with a "catchy" jingle that plays like 4 or 5 times during every game, and it winds up being stuck in your head for MONTHs. Usually with the Reds it's a JTM commercial, but this year it's one by the Cincinnati Chamber of Commerce or whatever, which consists entirely of a song about how great it would be to spend a week in Cincinnati. The lyrics along (example: We can go to King's Island, the Aquarium too! There's so many fun things to do!) can't really convey how awful it is to hear this song so many times. I have never wanted to go to Cincinnati less.
By the way, for those keeping track: Cordero definitely sucks. My lack of faith in him was justified once again today, when the Reds, down 2-1 going into the 9th, finally busted out for 3 runs to take a 4-2 lead, and Cordero promptly comes in and gives up 2 runs. Thankfully, the Reds pulled it out in the 10th, thus avoiding the humiliation of losing a series to the Nats. But Jesus Christ, something needs to be done. Marty Brennamen sounds like he's going to rush the field and attack him sometimes.
Listening to: Reds vs. Nationals
The problem with being a baseball fan is that every season, there's a new local commercial with a "catchy" jingle that plays like 4 or 5 times during every game, and it winds up being stuck in your head for MONTHs. Usually with the Reds it's a JTM commercial, but this year it's one by the Cincinnati Chamber of Commerce or whatever, which consists entirely of a song about how great it would be to spend a week in Cincinnati. The lyrics along (example: We can go to King's Island, the Aquarium too! There's so many fun things to do!) can't really convey how awful it is to hear this song so many times. I have never wanted to go to Cincinnati less.
By the way, for those keeping track: Cordero definitely sucks. My lack of faith in him was justified once again today, when the Reds, down 2-1 going into the 9th, finally busted out for 3 runs to take a 4-2 lead, and Cordero promptly comes in and gives up 2 runs. Thankfully, the Reds pulled it out in the 10th, thus avoiding the humiliation of losing a series to the Nats. But Jesus Christ, something needs to be done. Marty Brennamen sounds like he's going to rush the field and attack him sometimes.
I hate sports
Date: 6/4/2010
Listening to: Reds vs. Nationals
Budweiser just ran a commercial making the point that "there are 24 happy hours in the world." This is sick! You shouldn't be making commercials encouraging people to drink beer at 9:00 in the morning! For fuck's sake!
Fandom is a disease, isn't it? I'm sitting here listening to this game (Reds down 4-2 going into the bottom of 8 in Washington, poised to lose their lead in the division), and I can't stop caring, and I can't stop listening and go off and do something productive. And it's not even that I think that I'm being naive to think they can win. For one thing, they can. And for another thing, it's that I shouldn't not be able to stop listening REGARDLESS of the situation! Because it doesn't mean anything. And I know it doesn't mean anything. In fact, the fact that it doesn't mean anything is a crucial part of it. We never like hearing about money, or business, or anything. It's SUPPOSED to be purely abstract and meaningless. So why can't I go wash some dishes, or go on Facebook or whatever (blogging to nobody hardly counts), or just do something real, until this game is over? It's a disease.
Sounds like the Nats have their own Cordero. I don't know how we didn't pull a double-switch and bring in Nix for Gomes, and thus be able to keep Rhodes in case they tie it up in the top of the ninth. If they don't it doesn't matter, and it's more likely they'll score 2 then 3. But hey, what do I know. Really. That might be a really dumb idea for some reason I don't know about.
If you told me that Jeff Brantley was drunk right now, I would believe you.
And the Reds lose. Meaning this activity I just devoted the last 3.5 hours of my life to has made me LESS happy. Fuck me.
Listening to: Reds vs. Nationals
Budweiser just ran a commercial making the point that "there are 24 happy hours in the world." This is sick! You shouldn't be making commercials encouraging people to drink beer at 9:00 in the morning! For fuck's sake!
Fandom is a disease, isn't it? I'm sitting here listening to this game (Reds down 4-2 going into the bottom of 8 in Washington, poised to lose their lead in the division), and I can't stop caring, and I can't stop listening and go off and do something productive. And it's not even that I think that I'm being naive to think they can win. For one thing, they can. And for another thing, it's that I shouldn't not be able to stop listening REGARDLESS of the situation! Because it doesn't mean anything. And I know it doesn't mean anything. In fact, the fact that it doesn't mean anything is a crucial part of it. We never like hearing about money, or business, or anything. It's SUPPOSED to be purely abstract and meaningless. So why can't I go wash some dishes, or go on Facebook or whatever (blogging to nobody hardly counts), or just do something real, until this game is over? It's a disease.
Sounds like the Nats have their own Cordero. I don't know how we didn't pull a double-switch and bring in Nix for Gomes, and thus be able to keep Rhodes in case they tie it up in the top of the ninth. If they don't it doesn't matter, and it's more likely they'll score 2 then 3. But hey, what do I know. Really. That might be a really dumb idea for some reason I don't know about.
If you told me that Jeff Brantley was drunk right now, I would believe you.
And the Reds lose. Meaning this activity I just devoted the last 3.5 hours of my life to has made me LESS happy. Fuck me.
A whole lotta baseball
Date: 6/2/2010
Watching: Reds vs. Cardinals (on ESPN!)
Ken Griffey, Jr. retired. This is what it's been to be a Reds fan: we got the one damn home run hitter in the entire game who didn't take steroids. Talk about a fucking rip off. The Cardinals got McGwire, the Cubs got Sosa, the Giants got Bonds, and they all got playoff runs out of them. And we get Ken Griffey, Jr., whose iconic image for the Reds will always be pulling up in pain running down the third base line in spring training. He had good seasons after that, but never another super-star season. I bet steroids would have fixed that right up. Son of a bitch.
(Another note, they got Aaron Boone, "ESPN Baseball Analyst" on the phone, and I can't help but think, did they get Aaron Boone on the phone, offer him a verbal contract to become an ESPN Anchor for 24 hours, put him on the phone with Baseball Tonight, and throw together that graphic? I think maybe they did. I mean, I could easily be wrong, maybe he's a real correspondent. I don't watch enough ESPN any more to be able to identify their third-string baseball correspondents. Back in the day I would have known all about him, I would have listened to him come up through the ranks, doing a segment on the radio, some remote spots for Baseball Tonight. Good Lord, what life must be like there, it's just as competitive as being a professional athlete (though your career lasts longer). Sean Salisbury was on a meteoric rise there for years, and now he's just completely gone (and rightly so, I have to say, I don't know what they ever saw in him).
Anyway, now the Reds are in first place, and being taken reasonably seriously. This is as exciting a position as they've been in in the last 5 years. A battle for first place in the division, and the series win, with the Cardinals throwing their ace up there, a guy who's owned the Reds, and who is 74-24, attempting to become only the third pitcher in history to win 75 of his first 100 decisions, joining only Cy Young and Pedro Martinez, which is awfully impressive.
Luck isn't with the Reds in the top of the first (Note: turned out that was true the whole game). I had two thoughts during the inning, one of which is that holy shit! The Reds are the best offensive team in the league! I don't think that's been true since 1990! And the other of which was that one of the keys to this Reds team is that they don't have a single slow guy on the team. No Adam Dunn, no limping Griffey, no Sean Casey. However, the Cardinals, and Carpenter in particular, neutralize that advantage, they haven't allowed a steal all year. They're going to be a tough matchup for the Reds all year. And the Reds? Sam LeCure, second major league start. He won the first one, but that was the Astros, these are the Cardinals.
I guess Six Flags' new slogan is "More Flags. More Fun." So I'm going to open a theme park called Seven Flags. They're doing my advertising for me!
Griffey said that he couldn't stay sharp coming off the bench, and so his continued presence was a distraction to his teammates. Which I think is a great way (I don't mean this sarcastically) of saying that he sucked, and the Mariners couldn't fire him because it would somehow look bad, so he didn't want to just be there bringing the team down just to get a paycheck. Which I think is nice. Not only did he not use steroids, but he didn't obsess over money. It's not that he didn't care about it, but he had the perspective to realize that whatever he did, he was going to have all the money he'd ever need, so he didn't worry too much about whether he was getting every dollar he could.
Jim Joyce made this terrible call (note: I meant to go back and add exposition here, but every one who reads this blog (i.e., nobody) already knows about it. It was mentioned on NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, for God's sake), and within ten minutes the crawl on ESPN was mentioning him by name. You don't think they're powerful?
The paragraph that runs on ESPN when an athlete retires is structured exactly like an obituary. It starts with a sentence or two outlining what he's most remembered for, segues into a series of vital statistics, and ends by listing the surviving family members (with whom he'll be spending time).
(You may have noticed that I stopped writing about the Reds. Feel free to reach your own conclusions about what that says about how the game went.)
Watching: Reds vs. Cardinals (on ESPN!)
Ken Griffey, Jr. retired. This is what it's been to be a Reds fan: we got the one damn home run hitter in the entire game who didn't take steroids. Talk about a fucking rip off. The Cardinals got McGwire, the Cubs got Sosa, the Giants got Bonds, and they all got playoff runs out of them. And we get Ken Griffey, Jr., whose iconic image for the Reds will always be pulling up in pain running down the third base line in spring training. He had good seasons after that, but never another super-star season. I bet steroids would have fixed that right up. Son of a bitch.
(Another note, they got Aaron Boone, "ESPN Baseball Analyst" on the phone, and I can't help but think, did they get Aaron Boone on the phone, offer him a verbal contract to become an ESPN Anchor for 24 hours, put him on the phone with Baseball Tonight, and throw together that graphic? I think maybe they did. I mean, I could easily be wrong, maybe he's a real correspondent. I don't watch enough ESPN any more to be able to identify their third-string baseball correspondents. Back in the day I would have known all about him, I would have listened to him come up through the ranks, doing a segment on the radio, some remote spots for Baseball Tonight. Good Lord, what life must be like there, it's just as competitive as being a professional athlete (though your career lasts longer). Sean Salisbury was on a meteoric rise there for years, and now he's just completely gone (and rightly so, I have to say, I don't know what they ever saw in him).
Anyway, now the Reds are in first place, and being taken reasonably seriously. This is as exciting a position as they've been in in the last 5 years. A battle for first place in the division, and the series win, with the Cardinals throwing their ace up there, a guy who's owned the Reds, and who is 74-24, attempting to become only the third pitcher in history to win 75 of his first 100 decisions, joining only Cy Young and Pedro Martinez, which is awfully impressive.
Luck isn't with the Reds in the top of the first (Note: turned out that was true the whole game). I had two thoughts during the inning, one of which is that holy shit! The Reds are the best offensive team in the league! I don't think that's been true since 1990! And the other of which was that one of the keys to this Reds team is that they don't have a single slow guy on the team. No Adam Dunn, no limping Griffey, no Sean Casey. However, the Cardinals, and Carpenter in particular, neutralize that advantage, they haven't allowed a steal all year. They're going to be a tough matchup for the Reds all year. And the Reds? Sam LeCure, second major league start. He won the first one, but that was the Astros, these are the Cardinals.
I guess Six Flags' new slogan is "More Flags. More Fun." So I'm going to open a theme park called Seven Flags. They're doing my advertising for me!
Griffey said that he couldn't stay sharp coming off the bench, and so his continued presence was a distraction to his teammates. Which I think is a great way (I don't mean this sarcastically) of saying that he sucked, and the Mariners couldn't fire him because it would somehow look bad, so he didn't want to just be there bringing the team down just to get a paycheck. Which I think is nice. Not only did he not use steroids, but he didn't obsess over money. It's not that he didn't care about it, but he had the perspective to realize that whatever he did, he was going to have all the money he'd ever need, so he didn't worry too much about whether he was getting every dollar he could.
Jim Joyce made this terrible call (note: I meant to go back and add exposition here, but every one who reads this blog (i.e., nobody) already knows about it. It was mentioned on NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me, for God's sake), and within ten minutes the crawl on ESPN was mentioning him by name. You don't think they're powerful?
The paragraph that runs on ESPN when an athlete retires is structured exactly like an obituary. It starts with a sentence or two outlining what he's most remembered for, segues into a series of vital statistics, and ends by listing the surviving family members (with whom he'll be spending time).
(You may have noticed that I stopped writing about the Reds. Feel free to reach your own conclusions about what that says about how the game went.)
Ouch
Date: 5/27/2010
Watching: Lakers vs. Suns, Game 5, Conference Finals
Well, now we get to see what this whole Steve Nash rah-rah chemistry is made of. Because that was as gut-punching of a loss as I've seen in a long, long time. Fighting your way back, grabbing two offensive rebounds on your last possession to tie the game with 3 seconds left, force Kobe into a bad shot, and have Ron Artest get a putback as time expired? And the only reason the Lakers won was BECAUSE Kobe was so off balance; if he'd missed close, it would have bounced up or out and time would have run out. It's only because he airballed it that the Lakers won. So, can the Suns still go out there and really believe that they can win Game 6 AND 7? We'll find out.
Note: I would just like to point out that I am a little skeptical of myself, feeling so convinced that this is a battle between good and evil when the good guy is white and the bad guy is black. But it's how I feel. I don't think that one can ever say that you are being totally unprejudiced, it's just a part of human nature. All I'll say is, if it's there, it's subconscious, and I have plenty of conscious reasons to hate Kobe and love Nash, if just for the classic underdog aspect to it. (Not to mention the raping. But I hated Kobe before that.)
Watching: Lakers vs. Suns, Game 5, Conference Finals
Well, now we get to see what this whole Steve Nash rah-rah chemistry is made of. Because that was as gut-punching of a loss as I've seen in a long, long time. Fighting your way back, grabbing two offensive rebounds on your last possession to tie the game with 3 seconds left, force Kobe into a bad shot, and have Ron Artest get a putback as time expired? And the only reason the Lakers won was BECAUSE Kobe was so off balance; if he'd missed close, it would have bounced up or out and time would have run out. It's only because he airballed it that the Lakers won. So, can the Suns still go out there and really believe that they can win Game 6 AND 7? We'll find out.
Note: I would just like to point out that I am a little skeptical of myself, feeling so convinced that this is a battle between good and evil when the good guy is white and the bad guy is black. But it's how I feel. I don't think that one can ever say that you are being totally unprejudiced, it's just a part of human nature. All I'll say is, if it's there, it's subconscious, and I have plenty of conscious reasons to hate Kobe and love Nash, if just for the classic underdog aspect to it. (Not to mention the raping. But I hated Kobe before that.)
Outdated NBA Thoughts, part 1
Date: 5/19/2010
Watching: Lakers vs. Suns, Game 2, Conference Finals
Kobe Bryant is the only player I've ever both really hated and really feared. I fear Albert Pujols, but I have nothing against the guy. I hate Derek Jeter, but (even if he was in the National League) I wouldn't fear him, I can talk smack about him. But Kobe Bryant, that smug entitled little rapist, that Michael Jordan wannabe that always looks like he's 6 years old and pissed, is fucking. Good. The Lakers had gone up 9, and I thought to myself, "The scary thing is, Kobe hasn't really gotten involved yet," and immediately thereafter, he takes it down the court, pulls off a beautiful behind-the-back dribble that left his defender in the seats, and sinks the easy jumper. Lakers by 11, and Kobe's running down the court making a face like a dog taking a dump. I hate that guy. And I hate Derek Fisher, who just hurled himself into a defender, fell down, and got the foul call, AND was praised for it by the announcers, AND the announcers were right. Fucking Lakers.
I try to be tolerant and understanding, so rather than saying that Lakers fans aren't real fans, I'll say: I don't understand Lakers fans. Why would you be leaving with two minutes left in a playoff game your team is winning? Regular season, sure. Your team's down 20? Sure. And I'm not even saying you SHOULD stay until the end, I'm just saying, how could you not want to? Isn't that what we live for? Isn't that what we suffer through all the losing to get to? And you're there, and you leave? Well, I suppose it's not surprising, I'm sure the Lakers crowd has a lower percentage of locals than any other sports crowd in America. They drive it home by their dutiful shots of the celebrities in the crowd. None of them are from LA (well, except the Kardashians). Why do they get those seats? Spike Lee I have no problem with, he got rich and got to live his dream of sitting courtside at Knicks games. If I got rich, and if it didn't mean I'd have to live in Ohio, I'd have season tickets behind the Reds dugout. No question. (Not the Bengals, football just honestly doesn't work as well in person.) 81 times a year (well, probably around 60, anyway), I'd be sitting there yapping at the team, cheering on future Mike Leake and future Joey Votto, heaping inventive abuse on future Albert Pujols and future Roy Oswalt. It would be fantastic. And I'll tell you what, if the Reds were up 7-0 in the 9th in Game 2 of the NLCS, I damn sure wouldn't leave.
Watching: Lakers vs. Suns, Game 2, Conference Finals
Kobe Bryant is the only player I've ever both really hated and really feared. I fear Albert Pujols, but I have nothing against the guy. I hate Derek Jeter, but (even if he was in the National League) I wouldn't fear him, I can talk smack about him. But Kobe Bryant, that smug entitled little rapist, that Michael Jordan wannabe that always looks like he's 6 years old and pissed, is fucking. Good. The Lakers had gone up 9, and I thought to myself, "The scary thing is, Kobe hasn't really gotten involved yet," and immediately thereafter, he takes it down the court, pulls off a beautiful behind-the-back dribble that left his defender in the seats, and sinks the easy jumper. Lakers by 11, and Kobe's running down the court making a face like a dog taking a dump. I hate that guy. And I hate Derek Fisher, who just hurled himself into a defender, fell down, and got the foul call, AND was praised for it by the announcers, AND the announcers were right. Fucking Lakers.
I try to be tolerant and understanding, so rather than saying that Lakers fans aren't real fans, I'll say: I don't understand Lakers fans. Why would you be leaving with two minutes left in a playoff game your team is winning? Regular season, sure. Your team's down 20? Sure. And I'm not even saying you SHOULD stay until the end, I'm just saying, how could you not want to? Isn't that what we live for? Isn't that what we suffer through all the losing to get to? And you're there, and you leave? Well, I suppose it's not surprising, I'm sure the Lakers crowd has a lower percentage of locals than any other sports crowd in America. They drive it home by their dutiful shots of the celebrities in the crowd. None of them are from LA (well, except the Kardashians). Why do they get those seats? Spike Lee I have no problem with, he got rich and got to live his dream of sitting courtside at Knicks games. If I got rich, and if it didn't mean I'd have to live in Ohio, I'd have season tickets behind the Reds dugout. No question. (Not the Bengals, football just honestly doesn't work as well in person.) 81 times a year (well, probably around 60, anyway), I'd be sitting there yapping at the team, cheering on future Mike Leake and future Joey Votto, heaping inventive abuse on future Albert Pujols and future Roy Oswalt. It would be fantastic. And I'll tell you what, if the Reds were up 7-0 in the 9th in Game 2 of the NLCS, I damn sure wouldn't leave.
Beer
Date: 5/15/2010
Watching: SportsCenter
See, here's the thing about beer commercials: I get that they're supposed to be jokes, and that I need to "lighten up," or "have a sense of humor," or whatever. But take this Coors Light commercial: the guy walks into his house, there's a trail of rose petals, a sexy note with lipstick on it, candles burning, etc. And he follows the trail, and mistakenly thinks it ends at the refrigerator, where he finds Coors Light, which he finds more fascinating than his smoking-hot, lingerie-clad wife. And the thing is, if he had been more into, say, a bag of Doritos than his smoking-hot, lingerie-clad wife, then fine, ha ha, funny joke, whatever. But there are people out there with real, serious problems with beer that prevent them from functioning normally in society. I mean, what's the point in them putting "Drink Responsibly" in fine print at the end of their ads if the entire message of the ad is: Drink Irresponsibly. It's funny. You can still be super happy and rich and have a smoking hot wife, and it will just be this hilarious thing about you that you're a RAGING ALCOHOLIC. So, point is: beer commercials really are uniquely evil, even by male-targeted commercial standards.
Watching: SportsCenter
See, here's the thing about beer commercials: I get that they're supposed to be jokes, and that I need to "lighten up," or "have a sense of humor," or whatever. But take this Coors Light commercial: the guy walks into his house, there's a trail of rose petals, a sexy note with lipstick on it, candles burning, etc. And he follows the trail, and mistakenly thinks it ends at the refrigerator, where he finds Coors Light, which he finds more fascinating than his smoking-hot, lingerie-clad wife. And the thing is, if he had been more into, say, a bag of Doritos than his smoking-hot, lingerie-clad wife, then fine, ha ha, funny joke, whatever. But there are people out there with real, serious problems with beer that prevent them from functioning normally in society. I mean, what's the point in them putting "Drink Responsibly" in fine print at the end of their ads if the entire message of the ad is: Drink Irresponsibly. It's funny. You can still be super happy and rich and have a smoking hot wife, and it will just be this hilarious thing about you that you're a RAGING ALCOHOLIC. So, point is: beer commercials really are uniquely evil, even by male-targeted commercial standards.
Standard Apology
I've written a bunch of stuff busy but kept forgetting it to post it. Sorry, non-existent readers!
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